When I was 17

When I was 17, I was in a horrible relationship that went on for far too many years and I didn’t really realise for a long time. Even though I have about a gazillion issues with my hormones, the choice I had for contraceptive was that I take a chemical contraceptive because he didn’t like condoms. Yep, he was one of them. His needs came first. (His everything came first.)
So off I trot to the nurse for the contraceptive pill, which gave me many horrible side effects. I changed to another pill, then the injection, then the implant, and cycled between the injection and the implant for around 7 years while my hormones and the side effects got steadily worse. While the nurse and I were figuring out the best contraception, she said in a passing comment, “of course, with your PCOS, you’ll probably never have children anyway”, and at 17 with uni still to come, my initial thought wasn’t “oh my goodness let’s get this sorted”, it was “well I’m not taking any chances, let’s just carry on trying to find a contraception that doesn’t make me feel incredibly ill!”. It always lingered though in the background, knowing I probably wouldn’t have children.

Whenever anyone ever asked if I wanted children, I would give a flippant “yeah, but I couldn’t eat a whole one” type answer. When I met my now-husband, he already had two children so I knew it wouldn’t be on the radar, at least in the beginning. And then I fell in love with him so incredibly hard, that I could think of nothing better than having a tiny human part-him part-me to look after, and help grow into the best being they could be. So before we moved in together (sensible!), I mentioned it as a possibility. He said he wouldn’t be adverse. That ticked enough of my boxes of ‘things you need to discuss before you move in together’! In fact, he’s just ace. There isn’t anything he doesn’t know. In fact, there’s probably stuff he wishes he didn’t know haha! Last night I told him how much I love him and appreciate him but wish he wouldn’t leave me alone in a cave – I sleep talk and have no recollection of the things I say, so lucky really that he does get to hear everything that comes into my head so none of it is a surprise in the middle of the night!!!

Anyway. From 17 to 29, I thought I couldn’t have children, although at that point I wanted one. At 30, I had an ovarian cyst that needed checking, and I remember the gynaecologist said, “it’s a nasty one, but it shouldn’t effect things too badly. Come back when you want to start a family.” And there it was. That glimmer of possibility. So, aged 30, there started our fertility journey.